aunt flo is a BEotch!

i had forgotten how much a period without being on the pill SUCKS!!!! i was convinced i had a bladder infection or something but i dont. its just my fucking period............ i worked tonight so i checked my pee. clean as a whistle except for some blood. my belly's crampy, my feet hurt from playing triage at work, im headed for the tempurpedic and a heating pad. maybe i should have a little knob creek/disaronno? i missed my little boo tonight. thank my lucky stars i dont have to work all the time, i dont think i could bear it. here is a pic of my titmouse the second day at the hospital(im feeling reminiscent).

funny

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

funny since people generally make fun of my southern accent! although i think im losing it since ive been "up north" for so long. 5 years in june. so hard to believe. i need to head SOUTH!!!

PEACE!

Sweet swimming success!

Oh what a relief! The swim class was a success. I didn't die of embarrassment over my fat body and my little social butterfly loved it. She was too cute in her little bathing suit. I wish I would've gotten a picture of her. I was anxious all day over nothing as it turns out. Lola woke up at 0730. She doesn't usually get up until 0900 or 1000. So she took her nap earlier than usual and was good and sleepy come time to get ready for class. So I had to wake her up and rush to be on time. Thank god I didn't get a ticket on the way there. OH and of all days aunt flo came for a visit today for the first time since august 2004!!! 18 months without a period and the first day of swimming with froglet I get my f-ing period!

When we arrived it was packed and there was no place to park. It was a hassle getting in and undressed but we made it and Lola was excited to see all the babies. Everyone was sooo friendly. Its funny I used to not like the Y bc of all the little kids and families running around, and now that's what makes it so comfy feeling for me. Its not a bunch of perfect singletons. I am officially a mom. Its still weird to think that sometimes?? Lo was a little stiff for the first few minutes but she warmed up quickly. She would kick and get excited and swallow some water. But she would keep on going! We met a nice couple who just moved here from Alabama who have a 7 month old boy. So it was a great experience. I'm glad we went now I just have to keep it up!! I'm still a little nervous about leaving Lo in the nursery while I work out but I don't have much choice. My mom doesn't live here so I don't have anyone to keep her. The good thing about the nursery is its so open and there are people around everywhere so its not like they could get by with doing anything weird. I'm very paranoid about that. Lola ate a good dinner and went to sleep without complaint. I think that's what she needs is some more social time. She gets bored with me. She is such a ham. Its so odd that she will go to anyone. When I was a baby mom said I would scream if anyone strange even got close to me. Not much has changed! ha!

oh I'm just rambling. I just feel so happy right now. hell I'm a weirdo. Its so cool to read other moms blogs and to know they feel the same about so many things. I wish I would have known about this when I first got prego and esp right after lo was born. I was so depressed. I think people are just so much more honest when they are talking to the computer than face to face with a person. Its really a great support system even if you don't interact personally it just makes one feel not so alone. So thank you- o great momma bloggers! It can make me feel inferior though when I read all these artsy, crafty, multitalented supermom types. I am proud if I just get one load of laundry done in a day. Guess I need to set my goals a little higher:)

PANIC!!

oh god what have i gotten myself into??? i jumped in and joined the Y on thursday bc they had a special no initiaion fee. oh and i need to lose about 65 lbs. this is all good but trying to be a good momma i signed lo and i up for a parent/child swim class(starting tomorrow). no big deal right? WRONG this means i have to wear a bathing suit in public!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it just hit me last night. fuck! so i went to target and got a suit. very depressing! i cant believe ive let myself get in this condition. im in a state of major anxiety right now. how am i gonna be in public half naked?? how will i get lola and myself changed to come home? on the floor of the locker room??hells bells. i have dishes, laundry, vacuuming, sheet changing to do and i just want to crawl in bed and sleep!!!!!!!! c'est la vie!

adoption

its midnight. she just woke up for the first time since i put her to bed. well maybe shes awake. she is just talking away. i went in but she is just too busy talking to notice me. she is making this purring noise. her different noises crack me up. they are so funny and expressive. i can already tell she is opinionated like me:)

i just watched family makers on TLC. it was about adoption. it just makes me feel so lucky to have lola. i would be devasted to be in the postion to not be able to care for my child. adoption is such a selfless thing to do. i dont think i could do it. when lo was born it was hard for me to let her go to the nursery. i remember waking up in a sweat on the second nights hospital stay at like 3am and insisting to go get my baby!! it just felt like a part of me was missing, you know. you carry them for so long and it feels foreign to be without them. so i manuvered out of the bed and hobbled down the hallway to the nursery thinking something was probably wrong. i get there and she is asleep, all swaddled and comfy. i just had to see her though. we kept her in the room with us the rest of the time. one of the nurses got kind of pissy at one point bc i had the ac so low. she said it was too cold for the baby, but i was sooooo HOT!!! i had fans blowing on me, no covers-it was awful. and the morphine pump i had made me want to scratch my skin off.i had to rely on paul to scratch my back and he is a soft scratcher. i couldnt take it. i wanted to him to scratch the hell out of me. ugh its awful not being able to scratch your own itch!!!!!!!! back to the subject of adoption, i always thought if i had kids i would adopt. i never had the desire to be pregnant and i figured there are already enough children in this world that need parents. also this world is so fucked up i felt uncomfortable bringing someone else into it. ok well that changed. last summer i decided i would go off the pill for the first time in 12 years. i never went without the pill bc i was paranoid i'd get prego. i was never one to dote on babies. so ironic now bc i love them so. all of them. i just felt that if i was gonna do it i might as well just take the plunge. my biological clock is ticking, my sister in law was pregnant, cerella was working on it and so on. in may i went off the pill and by august i had chickened out. i was gonna start back on the pill after my next period. well that period never came! i ran a test at work bc i was a day or two late. that line came up as soon as i dripped the pee. i was in SHOCK!!! i took another pee test and a blood test. i couldnt believe it. i left work and pg wasnt home so i called him to come home. he thought someone died. it really took me 6 months for it to soak in that i was pregnant. its so weird that i got prego so easy and some who want it so bad and try so long cannot concieve. i wonder why that is.strange how things happen. i believe everything happens for a reason, so i wonder what the reason is? will it be hard to concieve again since ill want it more? hells bells i dont know, i just know that the show has got me all choked up.

she sleeps in peace

lola is sleeping so good tonight. no fighting, she is just so peaceful. she is sleeping in her froglet position. oh i love her so much. it will be soon when she no longer needs me to comfort her back to sleep. how long we have come in nine short months. mothering is a contiuum of letting go. it all seems to be happening so fast. my little titmouse is growing so fast.

happy 1st V day lola grace!!!

went to lunch with tara and the girls. it is a BEAUTIFUL day!!! Sunshine daydream-almost 60 degrees!

got a baby gate. lola is getting harder to contain. she is picking up speed. the tortise is fast becoming a hare:) also got a food mill. should have gotten one months ago. i swear i should go into the baby food business. last week i opened up some gerber chicken with gravy. i was gagging the smell was sooooo awful. i tossed it. i wouldnt even feed that to my cats! how can they make food smell and taste so bad?? ugh! she usually eats what we eat anyway so this way it will just be a little easier. we tried yogurt today and yesterday. she's not liking it as much as i thought she would. we'll try a few more times.

tried to get some pics. she wont hardly sit still for those either. so i bribed her with my necklace. she loves it! and it tastes oh so good ;-)

half Nekkid Thursday

this is before my wedding. before weight gain 2003 began:) and i thought i was fat here at 130 lbs. its all relative. ive really always felt big even when i was a size 4. i guess i just finally completed my self fulfilling prophecy. at this time i cant bring myself to say what i weigh. like it matters-its the truth. but hey i bypassed the ice cream today at the grocery. BIG step for me especially since i wanted it BAD!!

ella bella

we are blessed. ella is going to be fine-luckily its ITP which is not as bad as it could be. she was admitted last evening to childrens hosp. of St. Louis. After iv meds her platelets went from 1000 to 16000, which is a great response. still very low, but they will keep checking her platelet count weekly. ella is my niece.

it reminds me that you never know what the day will bring.

100 things about me-as if you didnt know already

100 things
1. I grew up in a funeral home
2. I was born on my paternal grandfathers 50th bday
3. I want to learn about photography and Photoshop
4. I don’t have a relationship with my father anymore (he went off the deep end)
5. I have one older brother
6. I always wanted a sister
7. Child abuse makes me livid
8. My mom is the best
9. She makes the best dessert and muffins ever
10. I took tap dance when I was little
11. I have always been observant and cautious
12. Peer pressure has never been an issue for me
13. Always introspective even as a child
14. I hate alarm clocks
15. I am not a morning person
16. Noise bothers me
17. I always sleep with a fan on
18. I used to sleep nakey but don’t since being pregnant (miss it)
19. I love flannel sheets year round
20. Spring and summer are my fav seasons
21. I am a procrastinator
22. I believe in personal responsibility
23. I feel like im a kid trying to be an adult sometimes
24. My life is so different than I imagined it would be
25. I want to live near the ocean someday
26. I love chocolate—good chocolate
27. I fell in love at 16
28. I will love him until the day I die
29. I never thought I would get married or have children
30. I love my daughter more than anything
31. I am a cat person
32. I want more children
33. I love my husband, he is everything I am not
34. I am published in a scientific journal
35. Here is the linkJ http://iai.asm.org/cgi/content/full/68/9/5018
36. I have never loved a job—except being Lola’s momma
37. I have a bachelors in biology
38. My parents were divorced after 28 yrs together
39. I regret that Lola most likely will not know her extended family like I knew mine
40. I am scared to try a vaginal birth with my next child
41. I had a c-section bc Lola was breech
42. It was my first surgery
43. I would like to get a tattoo
44. I never understood breastfeeding
45. Now I love breastfeeding and want to educate others about it or at least help them with it
46. I wish I could verbalize and write my feelings better
47. I am lazy
48. I come through under pressure
49. I hated school-college included
50. I always made good grades
51. I was a crammer and memorizer
52. Sometimes I feel like ive lost some smartness?
53. I have vitiligo
54. I think homosexuals should have the same rights as heterosexuals
55. I love to read in bed
56. I am glad im not in one of the groups that is discriminated against bc I would be a raging ball of anger
57. I think religion can be good and it can be the worst thing
58. I don’t think you have to be “saved to go to heaven”
59. I believe in heaven and a higher power
60. I hate hearing my own voice when its been recorded
61. I am too open about myself to others
62. I cant hide my emotion
63. If I love someone I tell them
64. I try to appreciate the little things
65. I once was in great shape
66. I could bench press 110 lbs for sets
67. I was stronger in my upper body than my lower body
68. I would like to learn how to scuba dive
69. I like playing tennis
70. I’ve driven 17 hours straight (except for pee stops and gas) from Denver to IL by myself
71. I believe tolerance, education and acceptance would solve most of the world’s problems
72. I believe in a woman’s right to choose
73. I hate it when people breed animals to make money
74. I hate it when people do not take care of their animals
75. I used to volunteer at an animal shelter
76. I belong to the humane society and the ASPCA
77. I’m proud I made it through organic chemistry II and physics
78. I recycle
79. I am a bargain shopper
80. It irritates me when people leave their turn signal on when going on a curve after they made the turn
81. I still have the car I got when I was 16(-Honda accordJ still runs great after 255,000mi)
82. I don’t fall in love easily, when I do its forever
83. I have a few true forever friends
84. im not a group person, I prefer one on one or very small groups
85. I don’t regret any of my sexual experiences
86. I have a strong sense of smell
87. I am a pessimist (working on it)
88. I am terrible liar
89. my favorite scents are: lavender, jasmine, vanilla, sandalwood, cedar
90. I hate reading directions
91. I don’t measure when cooking (unless baking)
92. I love Mexican food
93. I would rather learn by example than to read or be lectured on the subject
94. I had the baby blues after Lola was born-oh the power of HORMONES!! (tom cruise is an asshole)
95. I have more patience with Lola than anyone or anything else
96. I would like a black sphinx kitty someday
97. I swear too much
98. I hope Lola likes to cook with me
99. I know im forgetting something important
100. I am passionate

LG's 9 months today!

9 months today:) and :( she is everywhere now its so much harder to contain her. its been a whole week that she has been sleeping in her bed(all NIGHT)!! tonight is a challenge. p had friends over for the sb and she cannot get to sleep. i feel like shit. we've nursed until she doesn't wanna nurse, been up again and again. she had her nighty nite crib toy on. i dont know. she is a fighter. she would almost be asleep then bam! who me sleepy not me lola's not sleepy. and fucking duke wont shut up!!!!!!!!!!!i hate leaving her in her room when she is upset but i run out of solutions and i think she just needs to unwind and let it out. maybe she is sensing my anxiety? i really want to go home but i dont want to screw with her sleeping habits right now. awe---silence--i hope sleep has finally taken over. she is so tired. we had mckinnley here tonight. she is 6. lola LOVES children. when m first got here lola would giggle at anything she would do. she cracks me up!it seems impossible but i love her more and more everyday.

i want to complain about how i feel right now but my life is grand in comparison to those in Pakistan, Iraq and other places of unrest and tragedy. when i feel bad i just think of those poor children in Pakistan who after the earthquake have inadequate shelter and other basic necessities and who cry all night bc they are freezing. can you imagine not being able to provide warmth and nourishment for your baby. what a nightmare. she is crying again and cussing. do i go back in??????????????????? i want to go and take her to bed with me.

Half Nekkid Thursday

so its half nekkid time and although this is gross, my whole body is gross now. i have yet to recover from the prego state. its only been 9 months you know;) these are my ( in dire need of a pedicure) feet. the first pic is from today and the second pic is from when i was prego. oh i dont miss being pregnant. it sucked for me, at the end of my second trimester i stared swelling up like a sausage. it sucked. wish i had something sexier to post but until i get my groove back............ at least you can see ankles and veins in the first pic:)